A Beginning

Since this is my first post, I am going to introduce myself.  My name is Stacy.  I love to laugh and be around those that I love.  I love animals, especially my two cats, Micheal and Cocoa.  I am divorced and single.  I love taking pictures, singing and playing music.  I love to get out and meet new people, hike, and karaoke.

 After all these years of stuffing my feelings, hiding out from everyone, I am finally unlocking the cabinet I call my heart.  I would say the cabinet of my mind, but really, my mind is open; there is nothing mysterious about it.  My loved ones know it very well. I know it very well.  But my heart is aloof, scared, and alone.  It used to bite anyone who dared to break it's lock, even me.

My heart it was bitten too many times.  My heart cowers like a scared dog hiding in a dark corner.  It's tired, ragged, and very hungry.  Those that would try to feed would it get hurt.  There are only a choice few my heart trusts, though it is very weary of anyone.

I have lost people that I love.  I have been abused and used.  I have hurt people and abused them.  I am definitely not an angel. There are many things I regret that I haven't forgiven myself for.

My goal for myself is to first, forgive myself for all the crappy things I have done in my life. Everyone has done things in their lives that are pretty crappy, no one is without blame.  I know that now, and it helps.

My second goal is to forgive those that have hurt me and wronged me.  No matter how bad or horrible these people were/are, I am still going to forgive them, even those that have made up stories about me and lied about me.  I am still going to forgive them.  Now, this doesn't mean I have to be their friend or talk to them.  This means I will have a peace in my heart and a powerful feeling of freedom.  This will be a freedom from the anger that has been controlling me and holding me back from life.

Everything else I will have to figure out after that.  It may not seem like it, but these two goals are going to be hard.  I have been trying to forgive as long as I can remember.  I have never learned how to let go of this anger inside me.

So, this is me.  I am not going to be afraid anymore.  I am going to love myself and forgive.  I am going to let go of the past and the anger I feel.  I am going to welcome love into my life.  I am going to let myself live.